SECTION 8 H.Q.

(The Inmates Are Running The Asylum)

Welcome to the Headquarters of C.E.W.L. KutZ.

You’re probably wondering, "Who are the masterminds behind this operation?" Ideally, you’d expect a team of Tier 1 Operators, retired Navy SEALs, or at least a guy who passed Basic Training.

Instead, you got us.

The Origin Story (A Legacy of Rejection)

We come from a long, proud bloodline of warriors. Our fathers served. Our grandfathers served. We? Well, let’s just say the genetic lottery decided to take a gap year when it got to us.

We are not military. But it wasn't for a lack of trying.

  • The Army said our ASVAB scores were "statistically impossible."
  • The Marines said we ate the crayons before we were told to.
  • The Navy said we couldn't swim without floaties.
  • The Air Force... well, we couldn't spell "Air Force."

We are what happens when the recruiter takes one look at your file, rubs his temples, and says, "Son, have you considered a career in civilian logistics?"

Our Mission: High Speed Gear, Low Drag Brains

Since the Department of Defense wouldn't trust us with a rifle, we decided to trust ourselves with knives.

We realized that the world had become too serious. Everyone is angry. Everyone is offended. Everyone is wearing boring clothes and carrying dull pocket knives. We built C.E.W.L. KutZ (Crayon Eatin' Window Lickin' KutZ) to fix that.

We are a Service-Adjacent™ operation dedicated to three things:

  1. Finding the Coolest Gear: If it’s sharp, tactical, or useful, we box it.
  2. Making You Laugh: If it’s offensive, satirical, or dumb, we print it on a shirt.
  3. Proving Doctors Wrong: They said we wouldn't amount to anything. Now we have a website. Checkmate, science.
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COMMS CHECK

Olive Drab Camouflage Pattern

Have a question? Need to vent?

Use the form below. Please note: If you are writing to complain that our jokes are "too mean" or "unprofessional," please understand that our complaints department is currently staffed by a shredder.

Subject Line Options:

Where is my box?

I need to change my size (I got fat).

I want to file a Hurt Feelings Report.

General Inquiries / Hate Mail.

...Don't see that blade you just can't wait to wrap your tongue around? Or maybe the last piece of EDC gear to complete your 96ct crayon box? Drop us a note, we may just have it, or can get it! (**Special Orders will require 50% down, non-refundable deposit and remaining 50% due before shipment. Cuz let's be honest, we ain't gettin by on looks alone!)