Lick -n- Learn

Listen up. We know math is hard and reading is harder. So we broke this down into steps even a Lieutenant could follow.

Step 1: Pick Your Rank (The Tiers)

We have three levels of commitment. Pick the one that matches your budget and your appetite for destruction.

• The Mouth Breather (Basic Training): The absolute bottom of the food chain. You aren't even ready to snack on wax yet; you're just trying to remember to inhale. This is your basic training box—simple gear to see if you can handle the lifestyle without hurting yourself.
• The Gray Crayon Eater (Entry Level): Just the tip. You’ve survived basic training and now you want to see what the fuss is about without blowing your whole paycheck. A solid taste of KutZ.
• The Window Licker (Standard Issue): You’ve graduated from snacking on wax to fully pressing your face against the glass. Better gear, sharper things, cooler clothes.
• The C.E.W.L. Offender (Top Tier): You have zero impulse control and you want the best stuff we have. You are a danger to yourself and others. We salute you.

Step 2: Sizing (Don't Lie)

Select your shirt size.

• The Ask: Be honest. If you are "cultivating mass," order the XL. If you skip leg day and chest day, order the Small.
• The Why: We put high-quality apparel in these boxes. We want you to look C.E.W.L., not like a sausage casing.

Step 3: The "Blind Box" Protocol

You don't get to pick the gear.

• The Logic: It’s a mystery box. Stop asking what's in it. It’s sharp, it’s useful, and it’s satirical.
• The Promise: We curate this stuff ourselves. If we wouldn't carry it, wear it, or use it to open a crate, we don't ship it.

Step 4: Logistics & Rations (Billing & Shipping)

Here is how the money moves. Try to keep up.

• Deployment Day: YOU pick, YOU pay, WE ship.
• Pay Day: We take your money on the 1st of the month.
• Movement: We ship the goods by the 15th.
• The "Slow Recruit" Clause: If you join late in the month (after the 15th), we aren't going to bill you again two weeks later. Example: You join January 20th. You get your first box immediately. We SKIP the February 1st bill. Your next bill isn't until March 1st. We did this so your bank account doesn't hyperventilate.

Step 5: The Blood Oath (Cancellation Policy)

Because we are giving you this gear at a discount that makes our accountant cry, you are locked in for 3 orders.

• The Rule: You can cancel after your 3rd box processes.
• The Reality: No dining and dashing. If you sign up, you are part of the unit for at least 90 days. Embrace the suck.